While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report."My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?""Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" . . . . .
Scientists in China have recently performed the first successful cloning of a human being. Unfortunately, the DNA donor for the cloning had Turrets Syndrome. As a result, the clone exhibited the same characteristic swearing tendencies as the donor. The lead scientist for the project recently admitted taking the clone to the roof of the science facility and pushing him to his death. This, due to the incessant profanity which the new clone used.The scientist has been charged with making an obscene clone fall. . . . . .
It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" I said. A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?" I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?" "Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded. "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00. "Silence on the other end... a confused silence. "Is this Steve?"My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?" "Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice. I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00." A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!" "The girl he went out with." "I know that! I mean... who is she?" "I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave amessage for Ben?" "Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home." She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?" She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't." Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake." "Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home." I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."*Click* . . . . .
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. . . . . .
A golfer playing in a two-ball foursome drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on a par three hole. His partner, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the green into a bunker. Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole. The second golfer nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the first golfer to putt the ball in. The first golfer says "Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par three?" The second golfer answered, "Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!"
. . . . . Oconee and Altamaha Rivers, Mark Kimmel and Company.
Joel,
Here are some more pictures from the Oconee trip (finally).
I'm heading down to the Florida Everglades tomorrow for a
week of paddling. I hope to see plenty of alligators and maybe even an American Crocodile! Anyway, I'll let you know how it went when I get back.
Thanks,
Mark
P.S. The other Oconee/Altamaha river trip participants,
who appear in the photos, are Bob and Jackie Tolford (they appear in the beige-colored solo canoes), Lofton Carr (gray canoe), my daughters Helen and Lana, and my wife Carolyn (inside the tent).
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