What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.) . . . . . . . . . .What do you call an automobile accident between 2 lawyers? A Saab story. . . . . . . . . . .An attorney was painting his house, when a man approached asking if he could earn a few dollars. The attorney thought about it for a minute, and said, "Sure, take a can of this paint, go around to the back of the house, and paint my porch." An hour later the man returned, saying he was finished. Surprised, the lawyer said, "Already?" "Yes", the man said, "but it wasn't a Porch, it was a Mercedes !". . . . . . . . . .What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they're boring. . . . . . . . . . .As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure." . . . . . . . . . .Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?" The lawyer replied, "Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?" Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?". . . . . . . . . .Two attorneys took a long safari vacation in the African Bush. One day, needing a rest, they removed their packs and leaned their rifles against a tree. They were startled when a large, hungry-looking lion emerged from the jungle and began eyeing them with anticipation. It was clear that the attorneys' rifles were too far away to do them any good. Moving slowly, one attorney began to remove his shoes. Why are you doing that?" asked the other. "Because I can run faster without them," replied the first. "I don't care how fast you can run, you'll never outrun a lion!" the second said. The now-barefoot attorney explained, "I don't have to outrun the lion. I just have to outrun you!". . . . . . . . . .A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "no." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught.". . . . . . . . . .Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were eager to know how it had ended so quickly. The general told them, "We had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was made entirely of lawyers and accountants. When the time came to charge - boy, did they know how to charge!". . . . . . . . . .A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world - nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it. Once again, everybody is quite impressed. At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it. . . . . . . . . .

Missouri Ozarks: Current River, Page One.

On March 31, 1996, J.D., now 12 years old, and I arose in the very early morning, drove to Athens to pick up Jeff McLellan. Then we drove from Athens, Georgia to Akers Ferry in the Missouri Ozarks to paddle the Current River from Baptist Camp to Big Spring -- a total of 93 miles. This is the chronicle of that adventure.

I'd never seen a small open ferry in operation before. But, shortly after we arrived at Akers Ferry, we saw a tiny ferry haul a big Ford across the little Current River. Akers Ferry, just a few miles south of the put-in, is also the site of an Ozark National Scenic Riverway campground. We arrived just before dusk, set up our camp and settled in. It had been a long day. We'd traveled through Atlanta, Chattanooga, Nashville and Paducah; then Van Buren, Winona and Emminence to get there. We'd crossed the confluence of the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers. Now it felt good to kick back and relax in camp, anticipating the adventure that awaited us the next day. The weather was cool and was forecast to be cold that night. We were prepared. Our canteens had ice in them the next morning.
The Ozarks has some of the largest springs in the world. The Current River is a fed by several of these large springs. It even begins at a spring -- Montauk Spring, but the river's on the small side for paddling up there. Baptist Camp, our put-in, is about 9 miles below Montauk Spring. We broke camp, paid a fellow at Akers Ferry to shuttle my truck (just like in Deliverance) down to our take-out at Big Spring and headed up to Baptist Camp. The plan was for us to leave the truck at Baptist Camp, then he'd come get it and drive it to Big Spring. Then when we got to Big Spring, there it'd be. Here's the put-in. Looks small doesn't it? It did to me, too.
As we were unloading the truck and loading up the boats, a rambunctious troup of Boy Scouts from St. Louis drove up. They excitedly put their boats in the water -- about three or four of those classic aluminum Grummans -- and headed out. I reckoned they knew what they were doing, because, as you already know, it was cold. And the water was cold. It would not be fun to take a swim. Now, the upper section of the Current is noted for its trout fishing. As we were about ready to shove off, a trout fisherman walked up from where he'd been fishing down stream. He asked if we figured we knew what we were doing. We said we hoped so. He said, "Good. Because those boy scouts just turned over when they couldn't make a turn in the river." Great. I was already nervous. (1) It was cold. (2) The river was small, and, at that size, was bound to have deadfalls. Deadfalls happen when a flooded river washes the dirt from the roots of trees which then, without support, fall over the river. (3) It had lots of twists and turns, so, in addition to maneuvering around, over, under and through deadfalls, you had to make the turns, too. I expected the current to be running a little fast, thereby exponentially increasing the skill required to make the necessary maneuvers. (4) Just look what all J.D and I had in our boat. There was one thing for sure, the current was going to test our skills. Just like it had tested those of the scouts. They didn't pass. I hoped we would.
After we got underway, we quickly discovered that the river was rather small; that while there were many, many root wads -- the stumps and roots of deadfalls -- around which we had to maneuver, our skills were more than equal to the task. There were no tree trunks to get around. We passed the scouts, they were on the bank getting themselves together. We quickly settled into the rythm of the trip. Later on the scouts passed us. Then, after a while we passed them again. They'd had another spill. We didn't see them anymore after that, as we headed on down the river. We only saw very few trout fishermen.
The sun and the paddling soon warmed us up. A lovely day to be on a river.
Now here's something I'd never heard of or expected. Look down the river. Ahead on the river is a dam/bridge. You can just barely see some black dashes across the surface of the water. These are grates through which the entire volume of the river passes. The structure is a concrete bridge that spans the river. When we get to the other side you'll be able to see better how it works.
The river flows into the grates on the other side of this structure, flows beneath the structure, and emerges through the pipes on the other side. There's quite a current flowing out of those pipes and it wasn't easy getting back into it. It kept trying to catch us in its eddy. Our only portage on this trip.
We soon arrived at our first spring, Medlock Spring. The water simply weeps from the rocks in little gushlets. (How about that for a word?) This is a little bitty one compared to its much larger siblings downstream. But, it was the only one with a waterfall. Very nice. You can see J.D. and Jeff in this picture to give you an idea of the relative size of the cascade. Most of the pictures in this journal have J.D. and/or Jeff in them. See if you can find them.
This cave, our first, is associated with Medlock Spring, and is home to an endangered species of bat
This is Welch Spring. It is about 100 yards off the river, and flows into the river at a right angle with such volume and force that its current dominates that of the river's. So, if you are paddling down the river, and you're unprepared for when the current from Welch Spring hits you broadside, then you stand a good chance of flipping. This would be a good place to hang out in the summer and watch novice paddlers try to negotiate the hazard.
About the turn of the century, a doctor built a sanitarium over the cave from Welch Spring under the theory that the air or "vapors" from the cave had therapeutic properties.
Flowers in the springtime. Or, as the voyageurs would say, les fleurs du printemps.

Continue down the river. . . .



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